Written on Thursday, March 29, 2007 by peacefreezer-pik yee
我到底怎么了...什么事情都不太想做，不太想理...我好想离开，自己静一静，躲一躲...甚至想一个人去逛逛也好，什么都好...只是我觉得那是不太可能的...难道跟父母说，我想自己去逛街吗？他们，特别是我爸，会允许吗？我是被困得太久了吗？从来，我爸总会以安全为理由...直到最近才较为放松...去年才勉强的允许...可是透过他的表情和语气，我知道他并不太愿意....今年，他还有更好的理由...今年你要考试....
或许自己觉得被绑的太久了...我真的很想“松绑”，做自己想做的事，可是我更发现自己的信心以逐渐消失...很多事我都不太敢做...甚至打个电话，做个决定都想依赖人...曾经还想过，若我毕业了，考完试了...我可以做些什么？找工作...我敢吗？我真的不敢想太多...
最近的身体状况好像不太好，偶尔会感觉晕眩...整个脑像停顿了一样，不管怎么撑，老师的话好像都打不进脑里，自己读？情况还是一样...最近也不懂哪来的蚊子...晚上即使开了冷气，盖了被，依然有蚊子在耳边作响，再不然竟然钻进被里...有好几个晚上半夜都被“吵”醒...根本睡不下去...都不知该怎办...运动没星期都有啊...现在，几乎每天上学的日子都极度期盼假日或星期天的到来...惨
神，我跟你怎么了？有人问过“你知道为何情侣会分手吗？因为没有了爱的感觉。”从几时开始，我的祷告变得像对空气自言自语？看圣经像读字典一样？去教会好像只是个责任，公式化的举动？经常听见人说，神对他/她说话...神会给你答案...可是我...怎么好像什么都没有啊？像个白痴乱冲乱闯...虽然好像看见你的手，可是我并不能确定的，肯定的说出你的作为...或许我神经线太粗了吧？常听说，人会因你而改变，可是，我...怎么好像“原封不动”，“原地踏步”？甚至“每况愈下”？怎办？我不想这样啊...可是，每当我想自己祷告，都只会觉得四周空空...感觉不到你的存在...4年多了，我真的不知自己到底学了些什么...改变了什么，成长了什么...甚至一度怀疑，我真的是被选得吗？一切对我来说是陌生的...好孤单的感觉...最近，很多的祷告都是被“逼”出来的...这时才听见自己沉寂，消失了很久的声音...上星期的祷告会像以往的祷告会一样，不知自己站在哪里干嘛...虽然自己很想flow进去，始终做不到，像个路人，事不关己的站着...我并不想这样...忽然当某一首诗歌奏起时，我想起了以前，2，3，4年前的我...跟现在，同样的地点，同样的人...只是好像不太一样了...好像回到起初的时候...真的很想...只是...神....怎样找回以前的感觉？
人际关系也似乎不太好...开始越来越自闭的感觉，不善交际，更不善於找话题...开始觉得为什么自己的见识短浅，什么都不知，什么都不懂...话题来来去去只有那几个...整天只有学校啊，学业啊...人家不“显”自己都“显”了...虽然在学校依然有朋友，单往往就是一起玩，吃，上课而已...近来发现自己是个很会逃避，压抑着自己情绪的白痴...对於朋友，我总不会把自己的问题，心情说出来...“倾心事”似乎鲜少出现在我身上...或许遇不到对的人？还是自己不相信人？有什么事，总是习惯性的“接受”或假装不存在...再不然就告诉自己说...一段时间后就没事的啦...
人生目标是什么？WATZ D PURPOSE FOR ME TO STAY?我很想知道却始终至今都找不到。
是否以前压抑太多？现在一次过发傻？哈哈...我也想知道...can i hv a total change?I need it!!! i want a different lifestyle....god..........................I'm really tired.....can i hv a break?
Written on Wednesday, March 28, 2007 by peacefreezer-pik yee
this should be the post b4 "watz happenning?dying",posted in friendster blog too,dated 28march:
suddenly feel that i really hv to work hard...now i hv to said that....i'm a bit stress when in class now....y?well,many things that i've learn b4 had totally deleted from my mind....futhermore,there r sth that i missed since i do not take UEC...therefore sum of the concepts i missed...futhermore,the class is getting noisier n noisier....sumtimes i really wanna shout out...but then i endure....take a breath n assumed that the surrounding is quiet....sum of em r goin to leave later....however,those who is confirmed to stay play along too...frankly,if our class continue to behave the same manner for 1 or 2 months more.....we will surely die...tuition....i'm thinking of it now....but then the timetable ua too pack....most of the day....it ends at 4~5sth...although it starts late,but all those tuition classes dun begins early at the morning....i think if iwere to attend the class....for sure...very very very busy...
i think i really under stress a bit ady....
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Written on Wednesday, March 28, 2007 by peacefreezer-pik yee
天啊~我越来越对我们的教育政策不敢恭维了...对於这种填鸭式，分数主义的制度越来越反感...甚至开始抗拒了...天天日日夜夜都只有书堆...要把个个训练成呆板的书虫...成绩有那样重要吗？所有考试都满分就能表现一个人的实力吗？很可怕...很想逃离...松开这样的束缚...我不想要酱的生活...可是，能做些什么？！很想抛开一切...真的很想...很想甩开一切...只是这些关任我们多不愿意...始终得硬着头皮撑下去...怎办？！真的很矛盾...很想放开一切“远走高飞”...可是又不行...没有办法...天！！我要怎样再度把我的情绪调回来？已经三月了...再不行就糟了...各位有何高见可以打救下我？这种想放不能放的感觉不好受><.....a....I'm tired with all of these....
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Written on Monday, March 26, 2007 by peacefreezer-pik yee
this is the design for our class T-shirt which will be used up for Sports Days this year...It was created by me o^^...can't believe it can pops up at last minutes...It's a rush work but I satisfy with it.however,the problems cums...today,i got to know that it was very expensive since we only hv 20+ ppl to buy it(our classmates only consist of that number)...if we can't found out any way,I might need to make a bit changes on it....although it is juz a SMALL part,i know that it will take a lot of my time n strength...I really hope that I wont have to take the trouble to change it again.....
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心情日记
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Written on Wednesday, March 21, 2007 by peacefreezer-pik yee
i really hope that i can settle all my problems within this week...hope that can manage it n get a refresh for myself...and get a brand new start...
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Written on Wednesday, March 21, 2007 by peacefreezer-pik yee
finally....my driving lesson had come to the end...haiz....32hours....stupid la...kaka~i shud learn it later since b4 that i only learn it once a week....anyway...all had come to the end....
the rain falled since yesterday nite till bout 9sth today....luckily it stopped...my number was 83hijau....my test is around 11sth....i saw drivers passed and failed....most of emwho failed drove the golden coloured car....esp number 06....i can said that omos 4~5out of10 who drove that car failed to "daki bukit"....I prayed...dun let me get those cars....luckily mine was white...at first I made mistake...yee?why the car cant move n sounded loudly?no gua?it's a damp car?even one of the staff came to me....HAHAHA~guess wat...i forgot the handbrake...wakaka~but then,i was not so familiar with the car since its metre is one my left hand side...it's hard for me to read the metre....ok...it's my turn...yess...peace is in me....all in my mind was juz...ok...even cant make it one the first time...i had another chance....however....DUN OVER THE HILL!!!if not...i mampus ady...wakaka~luckily....ngam ngam....hiu....so lucky...I got it in one try....my confidence increase....yess...i made it....all of em juz in one try....
on the road....i was judged by a malay guy...i checked everything...but....oh gosh...i cant release the brake....it was too...i used all my strength....then...the guy ...made it for me....fiu....so paise...my journey went on...but then the car was a little bit faster than the car that i drove b4 eventhough the speed was omos d same...the road junction...my most nervous part...luckily i made it again....but still...i felt that it was a bit fast....anyway....fiu....when i reached the traffic light,it was red...i think that fellow tested me...he said..."ok,jalan...jalan lah"...but it was red...i dun bother him...haha~was he trying to tested me?i dunno lo...kaka~my 2nd barrier...when i turned into the another junction..a big truck was in front of me with slow speed...i din noe whether it was a right act a not...i juz cut it...wa shuang...haha~the juge din say anything...consider right gua...wakaka~however...when i got back(on the back journey)...omos the door of the pusat(the place we took parking etc exam...)...when i omos reached the hump...a van stopped...juz in front of the hump...i was unable to slow down the car that fast....i hv to cut again...but then....ishhh...i got to the lane bside ady><...it deduct my mark again....saying that"pandu di selekoh tdk ikut lorog yg betul"....><
however....thanks God...i passed with 18 marks...wakaka~the guy was a bit rude actually...haiz...dun bother la....passed ady....later...when i read my results...only i found that...eh?got one column wic asked us to try the wiper n signal...at that moment only i realised....eh?yaho.....ishhh...i din do that...but that fellow approvd me>p<...haha~but even if he deduct my marks for that...still...i passed...yippie!!but den...i really spent a lot of money ady><....n YESS i apssed...but i hv no car to drive now><....when will it be?hope it come soon^^kaka
but then the period of waiting was very very long...the day was hot....my head became ache after waiting for so long in that environment wic it stuffy...it made me feel like i had been standing under the sun for the whole day long....anyway...juz thanks god for everything...n He din gave me up...thx
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Written on Saturday, March 10, 2007 by peacefreezer-pik yee
It's the time for us to sign up for our STPM...We'll be sitting for the exam at chong hwa,Gombak.Well,since the namelists of NUS and NTU were out.Some of them will be leaving soon...Congratulations to kok cheong,shi qing,jun xuan...and some of the other classmates who had recieved the offer letter from NUS and NTU but still struggling and dunno what decision to take.I hope that you all will choose the best selection which fits you the most.Good luck.
I really hate to make decision....I'm the type wic cannot make a decision....eventhiugh i've made,i might keep on lookin backward...or the worst....struggle again or regret....REALLY HATE IT...It happens again by the time we need to sign up for STPM...physics or bio?that's sumthing i'm struggle with...actually i like both of it...but it's too heavy to take both of them...I would like to study sumthing related to IT...but at the same time,i would like to study nutrition....later,i found out that actually bio students can go for the sch of computing as long as they sit for maths...but a physics student might not able to take courses related to biology later.the local U wic accept physics students in courses related to biology is juz USM.I like to study Bio(related to human body) but at the same time,I dun like to work in the lab...weird huh?Futhermore,my confidence towards PHYSICS shakes...usually the question in physics is related to each other...for example,if you got the wrong answer for the part(a) of the question....u might possibily not able to ge the correct answer for the others....and if u do not have the concept of the question...the whole question might b 0...and u cant do anything...unlike biology,u still can be an author,creating ur stories.and if u were lucky,u might get sum marks based on the story written...however,finally my decision din change...still i took physics....hope that the bad feel of regret will not chase after me....
Well,actually that's not many time left for us to prepare...especially MUET which will be held on 24Apr(writting paper) and speaking(about 10may)...We r really weak in the speaking...2minutes to prepare on spot...I really...you know,eventhough points pop up n come into my mind sumtimes...but then I hv to think for a long time to form a sentence with the correct word...sumtimes we were stuck coz we juz can think of the most suitable word...the worst happen when we got panic,everything which cums in mind will dissappear...or another case when we got the task which do not know how to elaborate...futhermore my vocab is truely weak....
Recently,Ms Chen yuli owaz told us to b hardworking for we r really lack of time....ya,we know it....but....><...she told us sum stories of stpm(previous students' stories),the results of our sch and so on...on the moment,i finally understand...before that,I dun think about it...I heard that sum of the candidates will prepare for the exam until they burst off n cry...it even happen to sum of the frens around us...
but then,i juz cant imagine that what will happen to us soon...most of us are still in holiday mood....of coz sum of them "awake" after rejected by NUS and NTU....suddenly a question pops up...why are there so many holiday???okay,after CNY,we studied for 2weeks and tmr onwards,holidays start again...after that,holiday again in the end of may n the beginning of june...after all....SPORTS DAYS of our sch is cuming...it's on 20 & 21July.and for sure,we need to practise our marching.and everyone in our class will b involved in it.next,our园游会is on july oso(postponed)...it will together with"文化节".but what is"文化节"...i really dun hv the idea
time is insufficient of us.....especially for me...i found that i omos cleared my memory...my brain jam....how am i goin to solve it?i dun hv the will to study at all...but at the same time,I knew that i really nid to work very very very hard....for my foundation is not so good....CRAZY!!!!! how am i going to change my attitude n to let myself being positive?
life........
at d same time,i really feel that sth is wrong with the education system of our country...students juz study for the results....the creativity in us had lost....dun u find that we r very被动？esp chinese....think about urself....arent u keep on study n study for results?notes,endless execises will b given to u by the teachers juz for u to score in the exam....i rmbred that wen i was in standard 6...we only drew 2pictures in a year....both of them r juz for the results in the report card....one is for the first half year and another is for the 2nd semester....the time is used up for other subjects....every year wat we heard from parents n relatives are...STUDY HARD.....STUDY....Surprisingly,I juz got to know that sum of the class form teachers do not allowed their class being involved in the sports n ball games competition in our sch...esp the classes which r going to sit for the PMR,UEC and SPM....oh gosh!!!!I really surprise to hear that from my fren who chatted with our PE teacher....It's....are we the machine to study for scores?it cant b denied that it was a truth that we nid to study hard but then.....r the results the most important part of our life?isit worthy for us to study like that until the development of the other parts being neglected?GOSH!!!!!crazy man!!!
i'll be FINALLY sitting for the driving test soon....I hope that i can make it and passed it juz once....it wasted us a lot of money ady....haiz.....
HOLIDAY........am i able to make gud use of my one week holiday?or juz as usual?lazy + ing? no idea....
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